PR 101

Someone sent me an email trying to pitch a client. The email contained the below sentance. fail.

“Also I was thinking about making her into a milf or couger as far as publicity goes.

Would magazines like people, us weekly and others cover a story about the sexy mother who all the kids want to f*$k? (Milf)”

I fail when I eat, I eat when I fail

Today as I was at my moms house, went into the pantry for food, found love at first sight with a box of powdered doughnuts.  As I picked up the box, it was empty.  I was upset.  I immediately went downstairs and proceeded to throw the empty box at my 17 year old brothers head.  I then began to scold him, telling him about my pet peeve of finding empty boxes in the pantry.  He then said, “Like you needed to eat those doughnuts anyways, fatty!”  I sadly marched back upstairs, opened the pantry again, found a box of Twinkies, and was suddenly relieved.

I then proceeded to eat another Twinkie.

1990. Get Real.

 

Oscar winner: Dances with Wolves
Most Popular TV Show: Cheers
Top of the Pops: Hold on, Wilson Phillips
TV notables: The Simpsons debuts on FOX, Seinfeld debuts on NBC, Fresh Prince of BelAir, In Living Color
Music Notables: Milli Vanilli loses grammy over lip syncing incident, “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice is a big hit
Movies Released: Home Alone, Edward Scissorhands, Goodfellas, Pretty Woman

Well another fail, due to the fact I cannot find the Unedited version..

On this Valentines Day, believe me when I say, i fucked a mermaid.

I tell people I love them everyday. Valentines day for me just reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons where the department store invents “Love Day”…feel free to insert patronizing tone here.

Here’s how my weekend went down:

Note* I love failing.

FAIL 1
While enjoying dinner with Jackie and Meg, we were approached and asked if we wanted to stay back at the restaurant for a “singles mixer,” we politely declined and informed the waiter that we planned to catch bees with our hands instead.
A few minutes later, the waiter approached us again, this time trying to entice us with heart bead necklaces (these were intended to be worn as a declaration of our [alleged] desperation). Once again, we declined and calmly strangled the waiter with a heart bead necklace.

FAIL 2/3
Once at Yogurtland we (I) experienced a triple fail. The Yogurtland condiments section is divided into two parts which are separated by a clear plastic divider.

As I was reaching for some strawberry chunks I spotted the brownie bits. Overcome by excitement i dropped the fruit tongs and lunged myself furiously toward the brownie bits…into the plastic divider shield. My hand hurts.

When paying we put all three cups of YG on the scales in the hopes that the total would reach $10, entitling us to a free t-shirt. The total came to $7.

I looked at the scales and said: “double fail”

Yogurtland assistant guy looked at the 3 cups…looked at me… and said: “Actually, triple fail”

I said: “I like you”

FAIL 4

My stay at Rorino Feltino’s was short. You see, anyone who knows me knows that when I’m surrounded by a bunch of “musicians” I develop an insatiable sexual appetite. I’m not gonna lie, I got hoes in different area codes, I got my condoms in a big ass sack.

Unfortunately, on this particular night, I forgot my big ass sack. After being “face raped” and having my hearing assaulted by The Summer Set several times I decided to hit the dusty trail.

On the way out of Feltino’s, someone asked me if they could come to my house and “shit on a kangaroo in my back yard.” I miss the good old days when we would crap on native animals…

On the way home i did NOT have a flat tire on the 710 at 3AM while by myself. This is new.

FAIL 5
The next night I found myself on a beach in Malibu with 10 of my best friends. We poured baileys into coffee and discussed the logistics of tracing a penis onto a birthday card.

FAIL 6
Finding ourselves locked out of a friends house, myself and two of my best friends stood in a dark garage singing Michael Jackson’s “Heal the World.” If you think this is the perfect end to a perfect weekend, you are wrong.

MOTHER F*&^%#G FAIL 7

On Monday, while the rest of the world was enjoying their extended weekend, I was in the office. I had a call from another publicist, we chatted, she called me back later and said this:

“Ron Moss, who plays Ridge Forrester on The Bold and the Beautiful, would really like you to come out for drinks with he and I sometime soon. He loves Australians.”

For those of you who don’t know who he is (if you watch The Bold and the Beautiful you automatically qualify for lifetime membership on why we fail at life) I have provided a picture below.

Ron Moss

On this valentines day, believe me when I say, i fucked a mermaid.

Love.

Fail for the world as a whole.

Swimming Blackberry’s

Blackberry’s don’t like to go for a swim. Especially those of the “company phone variety.”

Black Friday

I had to work a 4am to 4pm shift at Best Buy on the day after Thanksgiving.  Otherwise known as, black friday.

Instead of going to sleep, I decided to stay up before leaving for work.  I watched a Fresh Prince marathon on Nick at Night for about 4 hours.  No regrets.

It was probably about 11 degrees outside when I got to work.

Just by having a job at Best Buy, I fail big time.  But I particullarly failed on this day; When the clock struck 4pm, I was so excited to just get out of there.  So I began a good speed walk towards the exit,dodging customer after cusotmer, cart after cart.  However, one child was not so lucky.  Just as I was about to reach the exit, I accidently bumped into and knocked down a little boy.  Normally, I would turn around and ask if he was okay, pat him on the back, etc.  However, considering the days circumstances, I just said “sorry” as I maintained my stride and never looked back.  There wasn’t any blood, he wasn’t crying, I knew he’d be okay.  I’d also like to think that the boy understood my situation as well.  That I had just endured a day that can definitely be placed in the top 20 worst days of my life.

Nick

Burned

Last night I “cooked” dinner in my house for the first time since I moved in a month ago. This involved a frozen pizza and a roll of cookie dough. 

I had to call my roomate to ask how to turn the oven on. 

I BUTTERED a “non stick” cookie sheet and proceeded to burn the cookies. 

I drank my diet coke out of a “Prospector” glass that  had stolen during this summer. This explains a lot. 

Ends.

B